40 Effed Up Things About Being 40

This past week marks another year gone by in my life.  It’s not a milestone birthday, however, there are so many things that are making me feel way older than I feel, if that makes any sense at all.  Nevermind the fact that I don’t see nearly as many 40 somethings blogging as I do 20 somethings.  As these young women prepare to get married, have children, I’m preparing myself for additional vehicles and drivers in the family.  Yup.  I might think I feel inside like I’m in my early 30’s, but I’m reminded often that “I’m too old for that.”  or “mooooom, that’s sooooo dorky.”  Sigh.  After finally breaking down and getting some readers this past year after trying to rub my eyes to see better, blaming it on the “middle-of-the-night” thing, and going to an orthopedic doctor because I’m getting a bad knee, I just have to realize, I’m no longer the young chic I thought I was.  It’s not a bad thing at all, because I know inside, I feel like I can still tear it up.  Even though the rest of the world might laugh at me and say, um, good luck with that.

So here today I share with you somethings quite amusing, yet true that a dear friend shared with me this week.

Here are 40 other effed up things about being 40:

1. Other than Teen Mom, I have no clue what’s on MTV (I just remember the guy on the moon with the flag)
2. When people say “middle-aged,” they might mean me.
3. I can’t wear sequins or I’ll look like a cougar. (chime in daughter,”mooooom”)
4. I’m more likely to forget to have sex than to forget to floss.
5. If I eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, I’ve gained a size by dinnertime.
6. Even if I finally get a full night’s sleep, I still look like I was up all night.  But not up all night doing something cool.
7. At the doctor’s office, I bypass Cosmopolitan and reach forRedbook.  I’ll even read Family Circle.  There are some great recipes in there.
8. I’m probably never going to be a Solid Gold Dancer. (these young kids have NO idea what Solid Gold is)
9. Going out without makeup is seeming more and more like an aggressive act.
10. The “me” in my head is like the foxy little sister of the “me” in the mirror.
11. Any girl can look cute like Rachel on Friends in her 20s.  Only Jen Aniston looks cute like Rachel on Friends in her 40s.
12. If I strolled across a college campus, people would assume teacher, not student.  (Upside: instant PhD!)
13. I’m old enough to drink, vote, rent a car and be elected to the highest office in the land.  All that’s left on my age bucket list is admission to the AARP.  Thanks, I’ll wait.
14. Most days, I choose comfort over style.  I’m a traitor to my stilettos.
15. All the tanning I did in college is showing up now as brown blotches.  Get a Sharpie and you could draw a cow on my chest.
16. The Psychedelic Furs, Duran Duran and The Cure are now considered oldies.
17. Everything I wore in high school has been appropriated ironically by hipsters.
18. Only a fortysomething is old enough to remember the TV show Thirtysomething. More irony.
19. Oooh, my back.
20. Other than the Kardashians, I don’t recognize anyone in the tabloids.  Who are these people and why are they famous?
21. Ages 31-39 are a total blur.  I’m scared I’ll blink and be 200.
22. All of sudden my tight mini-skirts make me look like I’m trying too hard.  Hey sluts, incoming at Goodwill!
23. Uhhh, my back.
24. The Real Housewives and I are, like, the same age.  Where’s my butler?
25. It’s occurring to me that I might not ever visit every single beach on the planet, and I’m actually okay with that, which feels weird.
26. When I flirt with the cable guy, I don’t get extra channels for free anymore.
27. I still think 21-year-old guys are hot.  And they’re like, “Mom?”
28. Why didn’t I take naked pictures of myself when I was 30?
29. I fantasize about taping up the sides of my face.  Try it with your fingers–it takes 10 years off instantly.
30. Cripes, my back.
31. Touching my toes is not a guarantee.
32. Forget 50 Shades of Grey – my nightstand is full of wrinkle cream and Bengay.  The apothecary is open!
33. I even have one of those days-of-the-week vitamin boxes.
34. If I buy a turtle it might outlive me.
35. The bad habits I still have are probably here to stay.
36. I say things like, “What’s the name of that actor, you know, he was in that thing?”
37. I get a hangover from looking at liquor.
38. The next milestone birthday is 50.
39. Did I mention my reading glasses?
40. One word: “Ma’am.”

Thank you to the Huffington Post and Carriage Before Marriage for sharing these insightful thoughts.

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